Like Porcelain
by Holz090
Summary: A wedding and a funeral in the space of a week, there's something uniquely tragic about that.
This is both the first proper thing I've written for this fandom for far too long, and also probably the last. It's by no means the best thing I've written, not even close. But if I don't bite the bullet and post it, I never will, and I wanted to at least write one final thing before it all ends. I may not have liked the direction of things in recent months or years, but Carla's final exit will still be the end of an era. The idea for this came to me on a bus ride home from work, and, of course, doesn't hint at any knowledge I don't have and would want to have.

* * *

A wedding and a funeral in the space of a week; there's a unique tragedy to that. One of those things in life, like a child outliving their parents, that just shouldn't happen. Not with the same star at the centre of both. Still, Carla never did things by halves.

A parade of black - she'd have been proud. People in waves, piling into a tiny crematorium. Nick had never really been one for spirituality or the afterlife, but he hoped she could see this, from wherever she was. See how loved she was, no matter what she might have thought.

Surveying the scene, so many mourners, so stunned, so unaware. Every time anyone tried to console him, 'I'm so sorry for your loss', the usual, clichéd phrases, every time, he just wanted to yell at them. Tell them the truth, what really happened, screw the consequences. What kind of life did he have left to lose anyway, lying to everyone, crippled with a guilt he had no choice but to conceal from everyone he loved.

Making his way to the front row of seats, he felt like a fraud as Johnny immediately moved over. His head spun as Kate and Michelle sat either side of him, clutching a hand each. How could they not see it, not suspect? Her father; her sister; her best friend. These were the people who deserved to be here, who earned the right to those tears.

"I should've gone out with her, I could see she wasn't right" Johnny's voice was a million miles away. ". I just thought she was drunk.."

Aidan placed a hand on his father's shoulder. "You weren't to know. No one was".

"I just can't get my head round it..." Johnny shrugged his hand off. "Could it have been something to do with the accident? After the bistro...?"

"That was months ago," Michelle interjected "They'd have noticed something earlier. Johnny, it could've been anything. She could've hit her head getting out the car, anything.". Nick swallowed hard.

"That's all it takes..." Johnny trailed off. "One stupid accident, one slip, and someone's life..."

Kate's hand tightened around Nick's. "Please, we're not here to speculate. What's done is done. Driving ourselves mad won't bring her back."

"But, I..."

"I know, dad."

As a piece of music Nick couldn't even place begun to echo around the room, his stomach churned. His eyes fixed to the floor, he couldn't bare to look as a group of strangers in suits carried the woman he'd wanted to spend the rest of his life with towards the front.

Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted Robert; arm wrapped around Tracey. It took all he had not to spin round and shout something. He wondered if she knew, if she cared. He wanted so much to hate the man, to blame him. But how could he?

" _How could you?!"_

" _I'm so sorry, it was a moment of insanity, I-"_

" _So that's why you suddenly changed your tune about Robert. All this time, lying, scheming... You let me sell the business you knew I loved, move away miles from everyone I care about, all for what, to cover some seedy one night stand-_

" _It wasn't like that, please..."_

" _Get out!"_

" _Nick, please..."_

" _GET OUT!"_

The crashing echoing around his head, so loudly he could barely breath. How could they not hear it? How had no one figured it out yet?

As all eyes fixed on the front, Johnny wiped a tear as he approached the podium. He cleared his throat, rustled a piece of crumpled paper, straightening it out against the wooden surface. "I know there's probably plenty of you here wondering what sort of right I've got to be stood up here, playing the grieving father. And you'd be right, I don't. Probably every last one you knew her better than I did, were there for her more than I was. But no matter how hard we try, life has a funny way of screwing us over somehow or other, Carla knew that better than most. And I like to think these past few months I'd gone some way to connecting with her, to making it right. One of the last things she said to me was that we, me, Kate and Aidan, should come and visit as soon as they were settled in Devon-" He stalled, clearing his throat to supress a sob. "Carla never did sentimentality but I like to tell myself she wouldn't have said that if she hated me!"

A few isolated smiles.

"I wasted so much time. There was so much I still wanted to say, so much I still had to learn about her. But one thing I do know is that she was happy. For probably the first time in her life, she was truly happy. And that's down to her husband there." As he turned to face him, addressing him directly, Nick could feel his entire body burning up. "I can't make up for the past, but I can say with absolute certainty that my daughter died happy, and I'm eternally grateful for that. And I know I speak for everyone when I say that, if you'll have us, you'll always be a part of my family".

" _Oh my god, are you okay? I'm so sorry!" He raced over to her as she gradually pulled herself up, using the side of the coffee table for stability._

" _I'm fine...". Her voice was quiet, slow._

" _No, you were knocked out for a second there, you should get checked over". He tried to help her to her feet but she pulled her hand away._

" _Nick, honestly, it's fine."_

" _I don't know what came over me, I.."_

" _It was an accident". Easing herself onto the sofa, she sat forwards, head in her hands, breathing deeply._

The room swirled; time itself appeared to dissolve. Michelle took a turn at the podium, recounting a story from their first encounter. She must have said something funny, the room descended into laughter. Voices overlapped, he was seeing double. Nothing felt real any more, he was disassociating completely.

"Nick?" Kate's gentle tone gradually begun to piece through the din. Then a hand on his - Michelle's. "If it's too much..." She gestured to the empty podium, as he suddenly became aware that the silent room was waiting on him.

"I'm sorry..." He finally answered, standing slowly. "I can't..." Heading quickly towards the door, he threw his exhausted body against the wall of the building the second he reached the courtyard.

 _He pushed her. She stumbled backwards; one step, two, three. Her hand missed the arm of the sofa by milimetres as she tried to stop herself from falling. Crash. Direct impact, her head hit against the side of the coffee table, again, and again, and again._

He scratched at his face, physically throwing himself to the floor, in a crumpled heap clawing at himself, smashing his hands against his head, nothing would make it stop. Then the scene changed.

 _Johnny, throwing his glass to the floor, tiny fragments bouncing off the curb in slow motion as he raced over her to lifeless body, cradling her head in his arms, screaming for help. A silent replay as he saw himself joining her father, then others. Someone called an ambulance. People were crying, look around in shock. There wasn't a trace of blood, not so much as a smudge in her makeup. Lying there on the cold, damp pavement where, hours before, he'd vowed to protect her; where he'd let her die alone. So still, so perfect, like porcelain, her wedding gown trailing on the wet ground._

And then nothing. As the fog slowly begun to clear, he stared straight ahead at the rows of trees that lined the crematorium, breathing deep and slow. Twisting the wedding ring he couldn't bare to remove around his fingers, he couldn't even bring himself to cry. Barely audibly, he murmured off into the distance: "I love you".


End file.
